Argument VS Domestic Violence

David wants to know if it is ever appropriate to hit women.

I think that if a woman attacks you on the street, unprovoked, you need to defend yourself. Most men can restrain a woman without hitting her though.

So, when is it appropriate to hit a woman if you are in a relationship with her? NEVER!!! And, it is NEVER appropriate for her to hit him either.

Anyone that has been in a significant relationship has been in an argument at some point or another. So the question is; at what point does it become domestic violence?

The following web page gives a very good explanation of this:
Difference between and argument and domestic or family violence

"Generally, an argument occurs over a disagreement or differing points-of-view in relation to a specific issue. During the course of a domestic argument, voices can be raised in heated discussions, but there is still a level of respect and equality between partners.

Domestic and family violence occurs when one person in a relationship uses tactics aimed at achieving control and dominance. In this situation, the abusive person will seek to 'win' the argument by not allowing the other person to express their point-of-view or coercing them, through the use of violence and abuse, to give in to the abusive person's opinion.

The essential difference is the lack of equality and respect between the two people, with one person maintaining control over the other. "

What do you do when an argument is getting out of control? If you are the one being dominated, you need to get out. If you are the one that is dominating, you need to get help, and find out how to stop it. These situations only get worse with time unless there is intervention.

Men abused in Indiana

Ben certainly got me thinking about the lack of information and facts on abused men. I have no doubt that there are equal amounts of domestic violence against men and women.

I will be doing more research this week, but in the meantime here is a very informative web page that gives specific stories about abused men in Indiana.

Stories of Abused Men in Indiana

Abused men in Indiana

My classmate Ben is concerned that my blog focus is only on Indiana women and men are not mentioned. I apologize if this is how it appears, but that was not my intention.

There were 66 people killed in Indiana since June 1, 2004 in domestic violence related crimes. Of these, 27 of them were male, and of the 27, five were children. Twelve of the 27 killed themselves following a domestic violence dispute.

Juan C. Coy of Boone County, IN was shot in the head on 7/5/04.
David Rice of Clark County, IN was shot in the head on 7/7/04.
Daniel Clark of Madison County, IN was run down by his girlfriend on 8/27/04.
Dajuan Clark of Floyd of Floyd County, IN was stabbed to death on 9/16/04.
Jeffrey Brown of Marion County, IN killed himself while in police custody on 10/9/04
Will Stone of Floyd County was stabbed to death on 10/9/04
Cody Standfield was hit in the head on 10/12/04 (he was 2 1/2 months old)
Harry Gissendanner of Hamilton County killed himself on 11/2/04
David Moore was stabbed to death by his brother on 11/2/04
James E Bogan killed himself on 11/3/04
Nelson Bradshow killed himself on 11/12/04
Leander Bradley was hit on the head with a hammer on 1/3/05
Robert Jones killed himself on 2/5/05
Matthew Smith was shot on 2/20/05 (he was 5 years old)
Robert Carmickle was shot on 2/20/05
Arthur Smith shot himself on 2/20/05
Dale Wallace shot himself on 3/19/05
Tony Booker killed himself on 3/23/05
Bobby Carroll stabbed himself on 4/3/05
Jaiden Melcher was strangled to death on 4/16/05 (he was 11 months old)
Tony Jenkins was shot in the head by police while holding his girlfriend hostage on 4/21/05
Travis Moore killed himself after killing 4 others on 4/22/05
Samuel Moore beaten to death by mothers boyfriend on 5/1/05 (he was 5 years old)
Christian Martinez was stabbed to death by his father on 5/8/05 (he was 4 years old)
Alexander Martinez killed himself after he killed his son on 5/8/05
Demetris Nance was shot in the head on 5/10/05
Dual Hinton killed himself after killing his wife on 5/23/05

From July 1, 2003 to June 30, 2004 there were 60 fatalities in Indiana. 28 were male, 4 of them were children.

This list can be accessed at: DV Fatalities
There are more Indiana Domestic Violence facts at: Indiana Coalition Again Domestic Violence (ICADV)

I hope that men and women can benefit from this blog. If it is weighted more on the female side, that is only because there is more information, quotes and facts available than on male abuse victims.

One of the problems with abused men is that they don't come forward. I did read an interesting story recently about Steven Hawking . There are allegations that he was abused by his wife, but Hawking denies it. If it is true, I would hope some day he would come forward and be a role model for other men that are abused.

What causes Holiday stress?

My classmate Stephen asks a very good question: "What causes stress and tension during holidays which leads people to get into fight?"

According to the National Mental Health Association, there are many reasons. They have an article named Holiday Depression and Stress on their web site. They call it "Holiday Blues". Reasons range from financial, travel, not being able to be near family, un-real expectations, crowds, shopping, etc.

The article also gives ways to help cope with the "Holiday Blues". I did notice that one very big stress relief was not in their article...exercise. Maybe Stephen can look into how excercise can help reduce Holiday stress in his blog titled: Body Fitness?

Donate your old cell phone

The YWCA collects old cell phones to give to victims of domestic violence. Most cell phones can reach 911 when charged, even if they do not have a service plan.

Fox News 28 ran a story Monday morning and has an article on their web page about donating cell phones to the South Bend YWCA. The story reports that last Saturday morning the YWCA along with the Boys and Girls Club of St. Joseph County collected phones that will be distributed to victims.

Cell phones can be donated anytime at the YWCA at 1102 South Fellows Street in South Bend.

Domestic Abuse increases during Holidays

South Bends WSJV Fox News 28 ran a story today on the increase of Domestic Violence during the Holiday Season. According to the report, the Holidays cause stress and tension which can lead to family fights and abusive situations.

Fox 28 also has several articles on their web site which mirrors the News Television report. One of them: Increased Abuse During the Holidays, quotes the Executive director of the YWCA, Linda Baechle several times. The quotes are a grim reminder of how overwhelming this problem is.

"In the United States domestic violence occurs in over fifty percent of all marriages."
"And every six seconds one woman is battered."

The South Bend hotline is: 1-866-YES-YWCA.

Another reason for staying in an abusive relationship

Another answer to Stacy's question was my own situation. I was terrified that I would lose my children. My husband was from a very wealthy family, and his father and brothers were powerful attorneys. I had the means to support myself financially, but not if I had to fight an expensive legal battle.


I was lucky. My husband lost his job, and could only find work in another state, we had to move. It seems cruel, but I used the opportunity. He left me and my kids behind, with the understanding that I would sell the house and follow him 3 months later. I didn't. As soon as he was settled in his job, I filed for a divorce and full custody. Legally, he was the move away parent and had no rights.


There is a happy ending to this story though. I moved here to South Bend so my kids could be near their dad. My now ex-husband and I went through joint parenting counseling, which actually worked, and we have shared custody of my son. We get along great now, but it took a lot of work.

Why do they wait so long to leave?

Stacy asked an important question:

"I want to know why do these people put up with it for so long in the first place? I've heard that it's that insecurity of the one abused...and so on, but I was wondering if there were other reasons."

There is not a black and white answer, and there are just as many reasons as there are people that have been abused. But there seems to be some commonality among them.

One is the attachment issue. I addressed this in an earlier blog called "The Importance of Attachment". Another reason is that many of these people do not have anywhere else to go. They are completely isolated from family and friends. They have been convinced by their abuser that they deserve it. Many women are in cultures that foster male dominance, and the women do not have the skill necessary to survive on her own. Drugs and alcohol also come into play. Some have been diagnosed with depression or some other kind of mental illness and are dependant on legal or illegal drugs. Many shelters will not accept women that are on ANY medication at all.

People that have been abused as children, molested, raped, neglected, can have low self esteem and they may not realize they deserve to be in a better environment. Some have never been taught what a healthy relationship looks like, and don't have a clue. Liz Claiborne's "Love is not abuse" program is really trying to target that issue.

The main reason, whatever the issues are is fear. Fear of the unknown, that things will be worse if they leave. That is why education on this issue is so important. Education is power. The more you know about a situation, the better choices you can make.

Here are some other sites that address why people don't leave:

• Dont be a victim
• National Center for Injury Prevention and Control
• Why do women stay with violent men?
• MayoClinic.com
• No Safe Place: Violence against women

66 Dead in Indiana

Total Domestic Violence Deaths in Indiana since July 1, 2004 to June 30, 2005 - 66.

This is from the Indiana Coalition Again Domestic Violence (ICADV) Statistics.

Ten of these deaths were children, and another two were unborn fetuses. Some of them killed themselves. For example, a man killed himself after killing his wife.

Here is a list of the people that died so far this year in Indiana due to a domestic violence situation: DV Fatalities

Abused women need shelter for their pets too.

When a women flees her home because of abuse, what happens to the pets that are left behind?

An article called Gimme Shelter, by Connie Goldsmith, MPA, RN, explains a missing element in shelters for victims of Domestic Violence. When a spouse is being abused, often the offender abuses the pets also. When the family flees, because the abuse is so bad, chances are the animals are going to be hurt.

Her article gives examples of real life situations, information on organizations that are working on this problem, and information on ways you can help and where you can get more information.

Not enough room at the Shelters

• 50% of America's homeless women and children are running from domestic abuse.

• There are 1,500 shelters for battered women in the United States. There are 3,800 animal shelters.

• Aug. 4, 2003 -- It's estimated that at least half of the United States' homeless women and children are fleeing domestic violence.

• In 2002, approximately 296,300 women and children were not able to access essential emergency shelter.

I have been reading a lot of articles that cover homelessness and how it relates to women and children. When you think about it, these women must be in very brave to leave everything they have to protect themselves and their children. Their situation must be dire. The ones that end up in shelters, if they are lucky enough to get in, are there because they don't have the financial means to support themselves and they do not have any family or friends they can to turn. Then, to make things worse, if their sons are over 12 years old, they are separated from their mothers and put in a men's shelter. Most of these shelters only allow a limited stay, and then they need to find somewhere else to go.

We have have to take care of these people. The children in these shelters are our furture. We have a responsibility to them and we have to stop looking the other way or leaving it to our politicians to take care of them.

Replys to comments on Women's Expo and 1471 denied shelter

2005 Michiana Women's Expo

Stacy asked about the 2005 Women's Expo and the free Breast Exams. I did not have one done (because I'm up to date on all that stuff), but I did see that Memorial Hospital had a completely separate room for those wanting a breast exam. I went into the separate room briefly to get some literature, and saw there were additional private (closed off) areas for the exams.

I do remember seeing a Curves booth and I know there were several other fitness/gym type booths. I'm sure they had coupons or sign up deals. Most of the booths I stopped at had coupons or discount opportunities. I did not see any grocery stores there. The food booths were very specialized like gourmet and bakeries (cakes for weddings).

I felt there was information for women of all ages. I really wish they had a shoe booth though.

1471 Denied Shelter in Indiana

David asked about the 1,471 people that were turned away from Indiana shelters. When I was at the Women's Expo, I asked one of the volunteers at the YWCA booth about it. She told me that several years ago; the laws in Indiana made it almost impossible for a women and her children to get shelter for domestic violence. She said they had to have bruises and proof that she was being abused. She told me that laws have changed now, and this is no longer true.

She went on to tell me that most of the time shelters are full. The more probable reason people were turned away was that there just wasn't any room. I look on the internet to find more information about this, and I did find that there are some serious problems in our country right now regarding the lack of shelters. It is not just a problem in Indiana; it is a major problem in all the states.

I am going to write more about the lack of available shelters in my next blogs, but in the meantime you can checkout these links for more information.

• National Law Center on Homeless and Poverty
• No Room of Her Own: Review on Women and Homelessness
• Naitonal Coalition for the Homeless
• Article: Number of people turned away has tripled
• Homelessness

Thank you for your comments Stacy and David.